Top 10 Reasons We Don't Let Mammy Cook Anymore...

There are many reasons and stories behind why Mammy isn't allowed to cook at family functions anymore. I'll condense it for you to the top ten reasons and perhaps a few pictures to make it all make sense.

Reason # 10: Everyone starved to death or ate on the way there - and then had to collectively play pretend. It got too risky when everyone did it and nothing got eaten.

Reason #09: We got tired of having the rotating "bring your dog" schedule and the sickness that ensued on the way home.

Reason #08: My father still ate it anyway - and then we had to make 15 stops on the way home and cordon off one bathroom at home for 3 days...

Reason #07: "School of Hard Knocks." After the first food poisoning, you learn.

Reason #06: If you are going to can stuff yourself, you should probably label it and perhaps seal it...

Reason #05: What is the annual pink/green/white gelatin with carrots anyway?

Reason #04: Expiration dates aren't there to remind you for what occassion you bought it, nor are they just good ideas...

Reason #03: Buying the dented cans on sale is not always a bargain...even if it was during the Great Depression.

Reason #02: Leaving things to sit in the oven for 3 days does not constitute refrigeration nor does leaving things to cool down on top of the stove overnight...

Reason #01: Because the old family saying says it all: "If you loved the turkey at Thanksgiving, you're really going to love it at Christmas." You can't keep refreezing it and recooking it - over and over and over...

Here are some garage pantry pictures for good measure:

(Note the BBQ on the top shelf from a previous post - 1987 baby!)

(And the marshmallow creme - top and bottom shelf. Anyone up for coffee?)

(Exploding cans - Here's a science lesson for you kids...Can anyone say "Botulism?")

bot·u·lism / Pronunciation[boch-uh-liz-uhm] –noun
a sometimes fatal disease of the nervous system acquired from spoiled foods in which botulin is present, esp. improperly canned or marinated foods.

So one may ask, "What do you guys do now that Mammy doesn't cook and how did you institute that?" Well, glad you asked. It was "painful" but as Mammy aged (and so did the grandkids) we convinced Mammy that everyone would like to participate in cooking and help her out, but didn't have time to come over all day and do it at her house - (that was her solution). Mammy conceded after many concerted efforts of cooking everything before we got there anyway, thinking we'd just stop bringing stuff....

So now my father, the only male left in the family older than my cousins/siblings, is responsible for bringing the meat (usually a turkey or brisket, etc). Everyone else brings side dishes, etc - pretty much whatever they want - we have a lot of great cooks in the family - thank goodness! Mammy still makes lots of side dishes - to include the annual gelatin...

And we've formulated and orchestrated this plan that no one in particular started; it just kinda happened and morphed into this brilliant system that naturally works like clockwork:

Everyone puts their stuff on the dining room table - it's like a buffet and we all go eat in the addition/kitchen. We place all of Mammy's items in a line down the center of the table, "the place of honor" - then everyone else puts their stuff around the outside of the table. All guests/boyfriends/girlfriends, etc are briefed on the table arrangement prior to the prayer - and everyone makes sure any new member/guest got the brief/understands (ask Kris).

We let Mammy go first - she makes her plate and leaves. Then someone, usually my father "Uncle Andra," (Mammy didn't know how to spell "Andre," so she guessed...) makes a big plate of "Mammy food" (sometimes 2) and dissappears to trash it/feed the dog - looks like everyone ate some! (insert magical music here). Everyone else then makes their plate, making a circle around the outside of the table - avoiding the middle line of food. It's a fine-tuned machine and Mammy has yet to figure this out... It's entertaining to say the least -